I’ve spent a great deal of time this week, through my tears, thinking on foundations. No, not the ones we create within ourselves or through learning, but actual, concrete foundations. You know, the one your home likely sits on? Now, I know what you’re thinking: Why have I been pondering cement through emotional outbursts? Well, take a walk with me.
Everyone knows we’ve been looking to rip up the carpet and put down this really beautiful, high quality laminate (because it eliminates that nasty, germy carpet…and the doctor said so). I was stoked when the floor FINALLY arrived from the manufacturer. It’s just so pretty and this meant we could begin the cathartic and liberating experience of ripping out all that carpet. WOOOO! First thing Monday, we did just that. We started by clearing the living room. Of course, this meant our Maligator would think he’d been promoted to head honcho and had been given ALL the new, available space. Sorry dude, gotta move! Then we removed the base boards and began pulling up the carpet from the tack strips. For reference, tack strips should be called velociraptor yard sticks…they’re awful! Then on to rolling it up and ousting the old, thin, cheap, garbage padding (it smelled a bit like old food and feet). We vacuumed up an insane amount of sand and concrete debris from removing the tack strips. Then, as we prepared to move to the next area of carpet, we discovered cracking. And my fears that we bought a “Holmes on Homes” style house are confirmed. But who’s gonna “make it right”?
Now, at this point, let me say that cracks in foundations occur all the time! Homes settle over time and as they do, small cracks appear. Well, of course, our crack can’t be a small one. Oh no, it, in true Magnolia Homestead fashion, MUST be HUGE! I mean, if you’re gonna crack, go for the gold, right?! Our foundation cracks are small in some spaces but almost a half inch in others. Worse still, the cracks appear to be through & through and NOT just surface cracks. Sigh. During “discovery hour”, we also learned our foundation is grossly uneven…meaning concrete leveling MUST occur for us to lay the laminate. I need a little sign on the wall that says “bang head here”.
I know I’m supposed to trust God and His plan for us. I know I’m supposed to be filled with positivity, light, and joy. “Perspective” I tell myself. And yet, here I am, almost in tears…again. I have had enough of October. Frankly, 2015 can pack it’s junk and move on right now! It’s just such a disheartening and stressful time. But here’s the real kicker.
It’s my fault. No, I didn’t crack the foundation…I’m not talking about that. This entire venture, from the purchase of THIS HOUSE, was me. My usual head-strong pushing. Yes, we both loved the house when we walked through, but I found the home and pushed that we go see it. Had I not done the searching, found this home, and pushed to see it, we never would have moved here. That’s the first rip. The second is my diagnosis. Were it not for this ridiculous Multiple Autoimmune Syndrome, we’d be blissfully unaware and still have carpet. The next is, we went from having a paid for home to now having a house payment because we pulled equity out of the home in order to have the funds to pay off our bills and my car, repair/replace the fence, get fireman’s truck a new set of tires and a brake job, and do the much needed renovations to the home. It’s clear now that we won’t be able to finish the items on the list. I have this immense guilt about me. Why? My husband.
My husband, Fireman, works hard. I don’t mean he works and comes home. He works tirelessly every single day to make this home livable, safe, and to provide. He often goes to bed far after me and wakes before the sun. He maintains yards on his days off, does all the vehicle maintenance (which, let’s face it, is more and more with his ever aging truck), and even plays the roll of handyman. He is constantly on the back burner because something else takes precedent. Whether it be my health, the house, or whatever…he never comes first. He stands quietly, without complaint, and hacks it out of the wilderness. I wish, so very badly, I could fix all this for him. Just one time I’d like to be able to swoop in and save him. The man I love deserves so much better. He deserves a truck with reliable air, new tires, safe brakes. He deserves to have someone else do the work every once in a while. He deserves to be able to look at our life savings and not fear whether or not it will carry us through this crisis or the next. Most important, he deserves a safe, functional home for himself and his family. But I cannot give any of that to him. As a wife, when your hands are tied and you’re helpless in the moment, it’s frightening and it stokes a sadness within me I haven’t felt in decades. There’s nothing I can do but pray and encourage him. That and beg the thoughts and prayers of those like you upon him and this house.
Of course, I have moments of humor intermixed with anger. I sit and, though I love this little house, I wish I had a bulldozer to mow this whole house down as start from scratch (HA, me on a piece of heavy machinery…that’s hilarious). But that escapade would take hundreds of thousands of dollars (even thought I’m pretty convinced, that’s what it would take to “make it right” as Mike Holmes would say). I have visions of me pressing a button and releasing a wrecking ball…in grand, old school cartoon style. I even have moments where I consider taking my hand and just punching through the drywall….but then, I’d probably hit a stud. But, I keep myself in check…barely.
So, as we await the estimate and meeting with the Contractor on Monday, I would just ask that you pray for God to move in big ways. We absolutely require miraculous, divine intervention at this point. There’s no way we can move forward without help from above. Only He can use this for good…because I have yet to find any in this situation.
Perhaps this is a reminder on the significance of foundations in our lives…When the path is darkening and all that is around you seems to wane and evaporate, it helps to have a firm foundation.
♥ HAPPY THURSDAY ♥